Archive for January, 2009

HOW MEN BABYSIT KIDS

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

It’s 4:30 PM and I have to go to an Art Business Potluck.

I’ve been watching my grandkids, Loch, 2 1/2 and Lexi, six years old, for two days now. Their Bumpa Ken and my Ex-boyfriend Bill will be in charge for the three or four hours I will be at the meeting. They will need to bathe the kids, dress them, feed them and get them to bed.

I would pay to see this.

The potluck is nice but I am a little nervous. I excuse myself at 8:30 and go home.

When I walk in the door, it’s quiet. Bill and Lexi are in the big chair together, watching TV. Lexi is eating a dripping green popsicle. Bumpa has apparently gone home.

“So, OK, how did it go?” I ask.

Bill is always understated in his assesments so you can imagine anything he may have left out.

“It was good,” he says.

I glance at the dining room table. There are several empty wine bottles on it and parts of dry crackers and some broken chips mashed into the red velvet runner.

“What did you feed them for dinner?” I ask.

“Macaroni and cheese, pickles and olives and ice cream.”

“Ummm.  Did you put Loch to bed at 8PM?”

“No. We put him to bed at seven.”

“Oh. He went willingly?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“And,” Bill said, “before that, he pooped the biggest load in his pants that Ken or I have ever seen! Ken had to clean him up.”

“Oh gads, did Ken know what he was doing?”

“He did a great job. He wiped him up real good with paper towels.”

I’m sure that a lot more happened this evening but I will never know what. That’s probably best don’t you think? I know for sure that it’s best that their mother won’t know the full story.

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As promised on my radio show ‘HOW TO PRAY FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH AND HAPPINESS’ Jan. 14th, 2009, here are the CDs that I like. The first one is the one that Lexi and I listen to every night.

1. Lama Gyurme & Jean-Philippe Rykiel “Rain Of Blessings”

2. Any CDs by Krishna Das 

I found the CDs on www.amazon.com

You can find my ‘GOD IS ALWAYS HAPPY’ CDS there, also, by Venus Andrecht. And, the books I have written.

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*WINNER OF A 15 MINUTE FREE PHONE SESSION WITH VENUS: *Chris Aven*. Offer good through Weds. Jan 28th, 2009. After that null and void

The Laughing Club Party

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Welcome to my Laughing Club Party.

I have decided that we all need a laugh. To that end, here is the note I have sent out to my family and various friends:

“Please come to THE WOMEN’S LAUGHING CLUB PARTY at Venus’ house, Jan 31st, 2009 at 11:30 AM.

“Let’s get together and laugh and laugh and laugh for our GOOD HEALTH and FRIENDSHIP!

“Please bring a dish (potluck) and something to drink. Wine would be nice but you can bring whatever moves you.

THE PLAN: We will eat and drink and whoop it up. For those of you who aren’t shy, please have a STORY in mind; something that has happened in your life or someone else’s life that is really funny! You will tell the tale and we will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. We will roll on the floor and laugh some more. We will kick the furniture and spill the wine.

“And, then we will laugh some more for no reason at all.

“This is an all woman party, just to see how it goes. If we like it, let’s have more of them and often, hosted by whoever feels fit enough to host a bunch of crazy acting, loose laughing women!

“Please RSVP by Jan. 27th, so I know how many chairs and plates to set out that may get broken.

“I hope to see you!

Venus”

…………….

Well. I have had a tremendous response. People are calling me and saying, ‘Oh, my friend wants to come, she desperately wants to come, can I bring my friend?’

I say ’sure. What the hey.’

My brother Art with the leukemia, the one who’s car got smashed and who’s house burned down, says he wants to come, that he needs the laugh. I say “OK, you do need some laughs, but if you come  you have to wear a dress and a lady’s wig. You can be our Honorary Woman.”

My friend Karen in Florida, demanded that I send her the invitation, then called me and said, “I love it! I am already calling people to have a Laughing Club Party at my house!”

Maybe we will have Laughing Club Parties all over the world?? What fun.

I’m going to start my party with this story, which I admit is really juvenile humor, but that’s part of the fun, right?

I’ll be telling the ladies, “Awhile back a friend of mine named Billy came over to see me at my house. He’s about fifty. He called me to come out on the front lawn beside my pool.

“He sidled up next to me, leaned over and whispered, “Got something really funny here. It’s a fart machine.”

“He glanced over at my pool where Paul The Pool Man was busily scooping leaves. He was scooping slowly. He doesn’t like to rush. He’s a big man, maybe in his 60’s with a great ruff of gray beard and flying head hair and he wears faded overalls with a bib.

‘Got an idea,’ Billy said, grinning like a nine year old. ‘This is remote control.’

“He carefully held up some kind of small box and something that looked like a TV clicker.

“Paul had his back to us, scooping the pool and gazing up into the great pine tree, the tree he has come to hate, that hangs over the water.

“‘Watch this,’ Billy whispered.

“He ran over to the grouping of deck chairs just behind Paul, put the fart box under a cushion and skeedaddled back to me.

“‘Hehehehe…watch.’

“Paul The Pool Man bent to scoop some twigs from the water by hand.

“FARRRRRRT…OOOOOHEEEE…PTU!”

“Billy had pushed the remote.

“Paul didn’t blink. He didn’t even look our way.

“Billy and I broke into screeching laughter.

“Paul leaned to the side and put the pool pole down.

“BBAAAARRRPH!”

“Billy and I collapsed with howling glee.

“Actually, I’d hit the grass ‘first fart’ and couldn’t get up. Whenever I laugh, my legs go weak and I collapse wherever I am. I can’t get off the ground until I stop laughing.

Billy and I were choking with laughter, roaring with mirth and silly merriment but again, Paul The Pool Man never even looked our way.

“FAAARRRP! WHEEEEE!”

Every time Paul made an adjustment in his methods, he passed thunderous ‘gas.’

I was screaming with laughter, my nose face down in the dirt and muck, unable to even crawl to my knees. Billy was dragging me by an arm, across the lawn, trying to get me to stand up.

Paul looked skyward.

It went like this until Billy and I finally tired ourselves out, gave up and limped into the house.”

………

Well, OK, maybe it will be funnier when I tell it in person? Maybe I should wait until the general hilarity at the party has taken hold?

My sister, Candy, will be telling some Grandma Stories. These are true tales about my mother’s mother that just rip us to pieces with hysteria whenever she retells them at family parties.She does the voice, she does the mannerisms, she does the body movements of everyone in the stories and we absolutely almost choke ourselves laughing. Candy should be on stage.

I’ve been telling the ladies that are coming to the Laughing Party that if they have pee problems when they laugh that they had better make sure and wear their diaper pants. They have assured me that they will.

“You’re not ruining my furniture,” I tell them.

Gee! I wish YOU could come to my party!

Do you have any funny stories about yourself or your friends that you can tell us? If so, please put them in the ‘comments’ section (below) so we can all laugh together and have our own world-wide Laughing Party!

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*WINNER OF A FREE 15 MINUTE PHONE SESSION WITH VENUS: *Ernest Brenner* Offer valid through Fri. Jan 23rd, 2009, after that null and void.