Archive for the ‘ Words from Venus ’ Category

I Know Who The Real Cowboys Are

Sunday, May 13th, 2012

A Real Ramona Cowboy

There’s a stone house across the street from my brother Jim’s Mobile kitchen and I am gazing at it. It has been there since before I was a kid. The lady who washes my windows and skylights lives there now.

A man walks to the mobile kitchen’s ordering window. He is tall and big and he is a “Real” Cowboy. He is not a Pretend Cowboy who may dress and act like he’s just off the ranch for a hamburger. There are a lot of those kinds of cowboys, but this man is for real.

He wears a slouchy old cowboy hat pulled down around dark hair that is splattered with gray. A blue kerchief bunches up around his sun-wrinkled neck. He wears an old faded shirt, well-worn blue jeans, and cracked boots. He smells like horses and he spits in the bushes.

He makes me think of other real cowboys in my town.

When I was little there was Valley Mitchell. He was a cowboy with a huge lump on the side of his neck that he kept covered with a kerchief. As the lump grew, the kerchief grew. I was enthralled as I watched his swelling grow more massive every year. (more…)

Observations Of An Under-Reported Kind

Sunday, May 6th, 2012

The Casino ‘Ladies Room’

My favorite part of the local casino is the bathroom.

It reminds me of the one in Harrod’s Department store in England when I was there many years ago.

Look straight ahead in the photo and you can see the fine louvered doors to the toilets. You can even see a toilet.

In Harrod’s, they had the louvers a bit more than half way up the door and the rest was glass. I thought this was darn queer. Why would I want to sit on a toilet, grunt, and watch who was coming and going. So to speak.

While I was sitting on the toilet in Harrods, the nice lady who worked in the loo came up, looked in the window at me, waved and asked if everything was alright, and could she get me anything?

I said, “No thank you, I’m fine.”

This doesn’t happen in America. You close the door to the toilet, sit down and do your business, and no one opens the door and asks after your welfare. However, sometimes little children in the next stall will stick their heads under the siding that divides you from their compartment. Their heads are upside down and they stare at you. They never ask if they can be of service by handing you toilet paper or something they just like to watch you pee.

Have you ever considered the different toilets we use?

There was the one I wrote about before in the fish market where a sign demanded that you not stand on the toilets to do your business but if you did, in fairness to the other customers, “Please wipe the droplets off the toilet seat.”

I went to Europe on a tour at least twenty five years ago, and here is what I remember: (more…)

Mother And The Chinese Doctors

Monday, April 30th, 2012

Mom's Chinese Doctor

 

My mother and I thought it was a good idea at the time.

I say, “Mom. Let’s go down the mountain and see a Chinese herbalist and get me some Chinese herbs to mix up and brew. I know they’ll make me feel better.”

“Good idea, honey,” my mother says. “You always have such good ideas.”

(This all happened many lives ago, while I was divorcing my second and last husband, and I was a physical and emotional wreck. I needed a cure.)

Off we chug; down the mountain to a quirky place called Hillcrest where I quickly find just the right little shop for me. It’s dark inside.  From the ceiling hang swaths of  dried plants. Glass jars packed with ground, pulverized, and shaved herbs (and probably beetles and dung and dragonfly heads), sit on shelves.

Oh yum. I forget all about my unhappiness with the Bad Husband.  (more…)

Screaming Venus And The Race Car

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

Venus With A Classic Old Jaguar

Today, I will be driving a new souped up Jaguar car, and will do 0-62 MPH in 5.4 seconds.

But first, we have to find the track.

My friend Carol is my navigator, but it turns out she and I are on par with our navigational skills. This means, “not good at all.”

We get utterly lost at our meet up point in San Diego and we get utterly lost when we finally get to Irvine, California. We cannot find the amphitheater.

We go around and around on the freeways. We stop at a golf course and ask golfers, “Where are we ?” and “Where is the amphitheater?”

The golfers look at us, then they look at the sky. Each one says different things and point their fingers in different directions.

We slide my car to the side of roads, pause, and ask workers in orange vests and hard hats for directions. They shrug their shoulders.

My iPhone, in a strident voice, insists that I go backwards but at least I know that’s not right.

Wringing wet with sweat and amped up, we finally swing into the correct, vast parking lot. We’re late. (more…)

Bladder Is Fine, Tea Kettle Not So Good

Monday, April 16th, 2012

The Dangerous, Angry Tea Kettle

My sister Polly  (“It’s Another Fine Mess”) tells me  that a person needs to pee before they get in a car. Her friend Connie the Paramedic (“Who Ministers to God?”) tells her when you are in a car accident, and you have a full bladder, the bladder blows up.

“Before you get in a car  to go anywhere,” Polly says, “you must always pee.”

I tell Polly I always do that and I make sure everyone around me pees so we don’t have to pee when we are on the road.

Polly has taken a strong pain pill she needs because of constant neck pain. She is flying very high and happy on the medicine. She is talking so fast on the phone there is no way I can break in to make comments or ask questions.

Finally, I manage to thank my sister for the critically and medically important blown bladder  information and say that I will pass it on.

This is an interesting day.

I wake up with a stinging rash across my chest and back, and I feel nauseous with pains in my stomach. Later, my tax man calls and says I owe $20,000! Twenty-thousand dollars! I had planned on $8,000. I heave a sigh, double over with the pain in my stomach, and sink into a deep chair  by the fire. It is raining too—great gusts and swipes of driving rain and hail. (more…)

Who Ministers To God?

Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

Who Ministers To God?

Today I meet a lady paramedic named Connie. “I’ve been a paramedic for 26 years” she tells me. “24 hours on and 24 hours off. I love it.”

Why do you love it,” I ask.

“Because of the excitement. It’s always a thrill. You never know who it’s going to be that’s in trouble or what the situation will be.”

Connie says, “There was one lady in her 60′s who kept calling us because she was having a heart attack. We went there 16 times and it was never a heart attack! When she called the 17th time my partner said, ‘I’m not going this time. You take care of her.’”

So, I did. I got there and I said, “So what is the real problem? What’s really bothering you?” (more…)

Venus’s Mega Million Dollar Afternoon

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

Venus's Mega-Million Dollar Day

It’s Big Money Day. It’s Mega Million Lottery Night in the USA. Close to a billion dollars can be won tonight for the person who beats the $176,000,000 to one odds. And it could be ME.

Well…probably not really. But I don’t want to miss out on the party that everyone is enjoying. I rush up town late in the afternoon to buy some tickets.

I’m in the grocery store and the line is too long for me at the Lottery counter.

I drive down the street to Mike’s Liquor, run by the two Mid-Eastern brothers.

There’s lots of cars and motorcycles in front of their little store. “Karrooom, Karooom,” more motorcycles are charging into the rutted dirt lot.

Inside the store, there’s a long line. A big lady with tattoos all over her muscular arms is buying “a pack of Camels and five Mega Tickets.” Next to her is a woman who is buying tickets for herself and her father, who stands to the side. “He can’t speak English,” the woman says.

The next person ahead of me is a man with a frizzy, curly brown beard. He buys a handful of tickets. ”I’m gonna’ win!” he shouts to those of us in line.

Next up is me. I don’t know how to buy lottery tickets but I gamely say, “I want two tickets from the computer and I want two tickets where I choose the numbers myself.”

“Go outside,” says the brother at the computer.

“Go outside?” I say.

“Must go outside.”

“Why?” I’m flustered and puzzled. I’ve been watching everyone else buy their tickets at the counter.

“I want,” I repeat, “four tickets, two by computer and two from me.”

“Here!”  the brother at the computer demands as he reaches for and takes my five dollar bill.

He does something on the computer, hands me the tickets and a dollar.

“What?” I say. I look at the tickets. There are four sets of numbers on one ticket.

“No, no! I only want two computer tickets and I need two sets of numbers that I choose myself.”

The brother reaches over and snatches my tickets. “Fine! I take!” (more…)

Bill Plays Bathroom Roulette

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

"Bill Playing Bathroom Roulette" http://www.artmojos.com

 

 

“My head missed the toilet bowl by a hair,” Bill says. “If my head had hit it, it could have killed me.”

Bill has opened the door from his studio that leads into my house. He’s standing in the doorway just looking at me.

He looks like he has a confession. He does.

“Yeah?” I say. “What? What are you talking about?”

“When I cleaned the bathroom yesterday morning,” he says, “the mop fell sideways to the floor, right in front of the toilet. I let it lie. I thought, ‘I’ll remember it’s there.’” (more…)

Lexi Gets A Bra

Wednesday, March 21st, 2012

Little Girls http://www.artmojos.com

Lexi is nine.

My daughter Summer tells me, “Lexi has been crying and whining around all week. She wants a bra. All I hear is, ‘I want a bra I want a bra I want a bra I need a bra.’”

I tell her, “No you don’t need a bra. You are nine years old, Lexi, you have nothing to put in it.”

Lexi says, “My friend Elizabeth has a bra. Her mother got her a bra.”

I say, “She got a bra because her older sister got one and she needs a bra. You don’t need one.”

Lexi pouts and pouts and cries and insists she has to have a bra and I keep saying, “Why do you need a bra so badly? You are only nine.”

The truth comes out. Lexi says, “Because I told Elizabeth I have a bra! I’ve been  wearing my swim top to school all week under my clothes so she will think I have a bra! It’s scratching my skin, Momma.”

Summer finally gives in. She tells Lexi she will go to Target and look for a bra but that there won’t be any bras for nine year old kids. (more…)

The Secret To A Good Hair Day

Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

The Secret To A Good Hair Day http://www.artmojos.com

The East wind is blowing as I’m walking through the Farmer’s Market. I’m watching the cold wind smack the lettuce off my hot fish taco.

When I look up I see a woman waving at me from a booth. I walk over and recognize her from other places in town.

“I can’t remember your name,” she says, “but I sure remember your hair!”

My hair is white. I call it platinum, and I have lots of it. It’s bouncing in the wind now, blowing and billowing around my head in a whipped frenzy.

This hair has a lot of energy. My mother used to say “I can always tell when you’re upset Venus, or when something dramatic is going on in your life because it stands straight out all over your head.”

Oh yes. It’s curly, too.

My hair is electric; sometimes more so then others.

When my hair is wet it looks like almost nothing is there. It sticks to my head making my face look like a pecan in it’s shell or the top part of a long green onion.

As the hair begins to dry it gains momentum and is soon flying around my head and face like white frosting shot from a can.

People marvel at the change.

Why am I rapturing on about my hair to you? In a moment you will know. (more…)