Jim has been seeing “Dr. Doug” the psychiatrist off and on for years. My brother is very emotional and rides the waves of his life in giant dips and upswings. As Dr. Doug tells Jim, “Our goal is not to eliminate your personality, but to make the waves and dips more gentle.”

Jim and I are sitting in Dr. Doug’s office early in the evening. Jim can’t sleep because of his sudden divorce and a near bankrupt business. He needs a Magic Pill.

I am very supportive of my brother. Since he has asked me to be here with him tonight, I am.

Dr. Doug is very professional as he shuffles important papers, reads previous notes he’s written in binders and all while writing down everything that Jim says.  The doctor talks about this drug and that drug and says that every drug he has tried on Jim doesn’t work. He tells me that Jim is sensitive to chemicals and that they have odd side effects with him.

“So,” he says, ” I have one we’re going to try on Jim that is very benign. Very benign.”

He leans forward in his tasteful brown chair. The chair has little shiny wheels that squeak like tiny mice.

The doctor is a handsome man. He is also very bright and likable. He wears no wedding ring.

Later, after we leave his office I will ask Jim if the man is married and what is his status. I am curious. I think he is sweet on Jim and when I mention this Jim will say, “…He’s always telling me how handsome I am and that my looks haven’t changed in twenty years…that I look just the same.”

I will sigh and wonder why the nicest ones are usually unavailable in one way or another!

But, now Dr. Doug is outlining the Magic Pill Program.

“One pill a night” he’s saying, “will put you into a nice gentle deep sleep, Jim.  Very benign, almost no side affects and very mild…”

He pauses.

“Of course,” he says.. and he sighs, ” it doesn’t happen often, but when it does there is one significant side effect.”

He grins and leans back in his chair. I get the sense that he is very comfortable with us and is about to drop his professional cloak a bit.

He does.

He grins more widely and leans towards us.

“Some men” he says,  ”experience *priapism with it.”

Jim and I whoop loudly and I even shriek a bit.

“I had two male patients,” Dr. Doug says, “that had this little problem with the drug.

“One man called me late at night and said his penis was more than twice as large as it should be and it had been like that for 2 hours. I said, ‘go to the emergency room’.

“The man said, ‘How can I doc? I can’t walk into the waiting room…..I look like I have a tent pole in my pants.’

“Tell you what, call ahead and tell them someone needs to meet you in the parking lot with a wheelchair. Take your jacket and put it in your lap.’

“That worked out.

“But the other man,” Dr. Doug says as he runs a finger inside his collar and swings his chair around just a bit…”called me in the morning and said “Doctor, I took 2 pills last night and I got this major erection with an enormous penis three times it’s size!”

“I asked him, ‘How is it now?’

Jim and I in our respective chairs, are both leaning forward and our eyes must look the size of large dog bowls. We are captivated.

“Penis is almost normal,” the man says, “but that’s not why I called, doctor. My wife and I had the best sex, the most terrific sex, the most incredible sex we’ve ever had in 17 years! We went all night long until we finally collapsed completely exhausted this morning…so doctor, what I want to know is, can I keep taking this stuff, 2 pills a night?”

Later, Jim and I are eating a late dinner at the local buffet. We’re still laughing and discussing Dr. Doug and his surprising, but probably necessary, revelations.

I put down my fork and say, “Jim, start with a quarter of a pill.”

He says he will, he’s scared of the stuff.

When I check in with him several days later to hear how the pill is working for him, he says, “Didn’t take it. I have enough troubles. I figure having the radio put me to sleep is safer and I know I will be able to get my  jeans on in the morning.”

……

Sometimes, doing Nothing is better then doing Something.

And, sometimes your regular habits are better than new ones.

But, maybe it takes a genius to choose the best course.

It all depends on what you want in life. Something bigger? Or maybe something smaller is really OK.

* Priapism: Persistent erection of the penis

__________

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